Fragments of Mine

I Have A Dream ?

2005-01-25T05:24:00.000-08:00

One of the most powerful speeches given is Martin Luther King's vision of equality for blacks in "I have a dream." Today we revisited that speech when we are reminded of the power of our vision...

As usual, Dr Low was provoking yet what she said seemed to be the most logical thing I have heard. Here are some of her gems

a) "Every week, learn something new. That's the best way to prevent Alzheimer's disease"
b) "Are we playing the concert of life with one finger?"
c) "Without clear vision and direction, leadership is nothing."
d) "People who are insecure are very dangerous"
e) "Don't be the best teacher IN Singapore...be the best FOR Singapore"
f) "Start giving, and you'll start growing; if you keep taking, you'll be stunted."
g) "You don't HANDLE/DEAL with people; you RELATE to them."
h) "Become aware of your unawareness."
i) "Maximise your strength..and make your weaknesses irrelevant"

I realise that there is so much of self learning to be done...and it has to start with the self. Self-awareness is the key, and the willingness to change must be intrinsic and purposeful.I am not saying that what I have been doing all this while is wrong; but I need to reevaluate my life at this point of time. I have been doing so much...got so clever at 'piling' (like those salad bowls given at pizza hut)..but if I remove something, will the whole thing collapse?

Lesson learnt: Before I dream, I need to get to sleep first...zzzzzzz

MENTAL MODELS: What is a GOOD teacher?

"The less that out heart and mind are entwined to a system, the more liberated we are to pursue our passion."

Another thought-provoking session. This is part II of the coaching module. I cannot help but think of the many dedicated teachers back in school who has put their heart and soul in doing nothing else..but teaching and caring for their young charges all these years.
These teachers retain the passion, but has the system faulted them on this?

My experience in doing ranking has been a painful one, and I dread going into these sessions knowing that someone's self-esteem will be hit very hard. It is not the issue of the money...but the fact that the ultimate grade given makes the people feel that he is below standard; and that it has become a stigma.

Dr Ng said that "if the right person does not go up, then the wrong person will." For years I have resisted...not because I was not ambitious..because I felt that I was not suited for the job...I know that I have done ok these two years...but now my question..what if I AM the WRONG person...if that is so..I must do something and move on.

GROW ME: such a powerful acronymn...I think I honestly can say that I tried..and with some..I have succeeded... I may have unleashed the intrinsic motivation in my students...and spur them on...

Lesson learnt:If I do unto others what I would like others to do unto me...Mrs Low..will you coach me?

A Teacher: 24/7

2005-01-24T06:19:00.000-08:00

Today's course was on legal issues and the education system. Though it was another day of information overload..it was also a day where I had to rethink about my own set of beliefs and values, and especially about the role and responsibility that I carry with that title "a teacher"

A new term: in loco parentis...it means 'in place of the parents'....Parents entrust their child to the teacher...and with that...it basically means that I would be expected to look after another person's child like my own.

I learnt about legal responsiblity ... and moral obligations. I am reminded of this: "A teacher does not have any legal responsibility on the student after school hours outside school"...Wow...have I got it all wrong all this while?

Does it mean that I no longer need to patrol around Simei after school to see that the kids are behaving? That I no longer have to answer an urgent cry for help and bring the child home when they are really distressed? I can turn a blind eye to things that are written in journals if I marked them at home? Am I wrong to allow those beautiful, wonderful individuals to come into my personal life and become my special children?

A teacher's job is 24/7...just like a mother...though I may not be legally responsible for my young charges under certain circumstances, I think I will always be morally obligated...yes...they are someone else's child..but I don't think I would love them any less...

Lesson learnt: Trust my instincts...and do what I feel is right...not because I have to..but because I want to

Footnote: Subihan...if I could turn back the clock , I still would not change what happened...but...I wish I could have helped you more, and not worry that what I did would put my job at risk...

A Place I Call Home

2005-01-23T04:11:00.000-08:00

The main aim of going to KL was actually to clean up the place at Sri Pelangi...hmmm..we have had that place for almost 10 years already..so full of memories. The numerous trips we took as a family were mainly because we had a place to stay.

Came across the kids' journals...each time we went up, they would dutifully (ya sure...more like forced to do so) log in their reflections of the trip...from the bus rides on Transnational, their shopping trips with me, and of course...RAMLY burger...Zafran and Akmal can whallop at least 3 burgers each...for 3 consecutive nights!

I saw that place develop..from an 'ulu' corner where illegal immigrants used as a hide-out, to a mini student village. Ah yes...talking about students; the majority of those living at Sri Pelangi are students from ITM..and one thing I have associated the place with is "NOISE"...Lets see..there was a 'woodpecker' who lived in the unit above...who tended to knock on walls after midnight (good knows how many nails he has to drive into the walls). We encountered "Bigfoot' whose heavy footsteps shook out unit...'Shuffler' who seemed to have the need to shift the position of furniture each time we fall asleep.

There were a few interesting incidents too...like the night when gunshots were fired when police were chasing after some robbers, the firecrackers that went off on chinese new year and christmas, the drivers who decide to be Micheal Schumacher in the wee hours in the morning..Oh yes...the latest one...Malaysian idol wannabes who warble and screech from 4pm to 3am...(I will never vote for them !)

Sigh...I have grown to call it home, and it is with a tinge of sadness that I packed some of the things that trip. Physical things...one can carry and bring back...but how does one pack memories?

Emancipation
A time for change...a time for renewal...a time to do something with my life. I never thought that a simple act would be so liberating. On this trip to KL, I finally got the courage to do something which I was so reluctant to do for so many years...I got a haircut....really short crop.

Vanity...it's so hard to let go of something so precious like hair...hehe..most people are not able to see it anyway...so it would not have made much difference...but I really love those long tresses...my excuse to being vain..all that hair that would fall beneath the waist...the 'shortest' I would go would have been at the shoulders when I could still tie up a ponytail and swish it around.

So what made me do it? I don't know...but they say, when a woman needs a real change; the first thing to go will be her hair...and how true that is. So on impulse...(had I thought about it..I would have no guts to do so)..went to the hairdresser...and closed my eyes as the scissors snipped. I could not bear to look.

The outcome...I don't know...my head feel lighter though, and I no longer need to hunt around for scrunchies to tie...can save on shampoo too..I look different...but I don't know if I feel different..yet...but there is an element of emancipation and liberation about it.

My two boys however hate it...cos they have a habit of running their fingers into all that hair...

Lesson learnt: The hair can always grow back...and once in a way...it is good to change.

Notes from KL

2005-01-21T04:54:00.000-08:00

Never thought that I would be able to make an entry here in this dingy internet cafe...all the around, the bleached-haired young punks are playing counter strike and what nots...Hmm...see if I can "tahan' the noise long enough to complete this.

Arrived in KL past midnight..It was a whirlwind of activity...from the time I left NIE (Nanyang campus), to board the bus at Lavender. Bags all packed and ready to go...Felt a little sad at the thought of leaving hubby and my two boys behind...but I guess that they would be alright.

There was actually no congestion at the second link..despite the fears that Singaporeans will mass migrate whenever there is a long weekend holiday. Plugged in my MP3, and tried to snooze inside the bus..but sigh..I am one who can never sleep in moving vehicles, and I knew that this trip will be no different. The movie shown was GREASE..goodness...that was when I was growing up, and John Travolta still had a decent amount of hair.

The 'highlight' was of course after our stop at Ayer Keroh...I got a taste of the famous highway jam..Malaysians were driving in droves to their kampungs...so what happened what that they actually had to 'eat into' one of the lanes meant for vehicles travelling upwards towards KL...I think the slow moving traffic was about 100km long.

Thank God we had the taxi waiting when we reached there (quite a cute young driver).

Today... we went shopping..Yipee...retail therapy...just the girls..Mum got into the act too...and bought pretty nice clothes for herself..We ate steak at The Ship (mouthwatering), desert at Starbucks...dinner at Nandos...sigh...will need to lose all that added weight when I get up..But what the heck..let's enjoy first.

Finally got Zarifah her dress...you know who hard that is? She is at the stage where only jeans and t-shirt would suffice...so was estatic when she wanted a cheongsam...ya...to get into the Chinese New Year mood.

Looking forward to another full day of retail therapy.

Lesson learnt: Eat, spend and be merry...for tomorrow...we may diet.

Am I "Sian"?

2005-01-19T05:09:00.000-08:00

This whole week has been a whirlwind of activities...and it is just Wednesday.Networking, meeting new people with wonderful ideas, catching up with books on new fangled ideas and concepts...wow...I have never felt so alive with so much information before.

I guess I should start on the reflective journals...but blogs are more fun...cos the ideas will just flow...or on the other hand..stump me beyond words.

Grow ME
When Mr Goh left the choice up to me about the kinds of elective modules I could take, well...I was absolutely cluess, and almost ended up choosing those that I thought would make me a more effective leader.

But the new terms...what is the difference between a leader, a teacher, a mentor and a coach? Do we have to wear so many different hats, or do we we need to be like the octopus and be jack of all trades..

1. Who am I?
2. What is my role?
3. How do I fit in?
4. What do I want from this system?
5. Which direction do I want to go?
6. What legacy do I want to leave behind?

Never have I had a question overload before...especially when I have to examine my own objectives and values. The whole concept of servant leadership...and helping others grow professionally. We are in a service where we work with people...put their needs first.

Dr Ng kept us in stitches with his animated delivery..but behind the jokes, the thought-provoking issues are there. "Do not turn yourself into an orange if you are an apple..."hahaha...never thought something simple could be so deep.

The best takeaway was for me to reflect on the attributes of a good coach. It is ME...who is important...how I must build that atmosphere of trust..of how I must be learning too...and how I must first be able to recognise my own flaws. I must be the model...and gee, that can be pretty tough.

He threw other words like trust and sincerity...and being able to find intrinstic motivation within a person. This is the growth of personal mastery...so instead of complaining and griping about school all the time, I ought to take stock of the situation. And he left us with that fundamental challenge: "How sian are you?"...and I guess...at this point, I can say..." a little less than I was last week in school." Hey...maybe I am learning something.

U Can Lid Meh?
Trust Dr Low Guat Tin to be unconventional and use Singlish to put her ideas across. These are other gems of wisdoms from her

1. Life is actually not complicated.It is we ourselves who make it so.
2. In Life, major in major things, not minor ones
3. Sometimes...the enemy is "ME"

Yikes...the work she set us to do...list 3 of your main weaknesses..and we had to go around telling others of this..It was not as embarassing as it seemed...cos the exercise made us realise that all of us have our flaws. Recognise that...acknowledge it...and work on improving.

But double yikes...the assignment caught us off guard..We have to find people we know and get feedback on what unique positive qualities we have...it really goes against Asian culture...how am I going to go around asking others..."Er...can you tell me what you find good about me?" so malu.

Second task just as jolting: Think of 3 goals I want in life..."When you know what you really want, that vision will change your behaviour, our outlook, and the way you use your resources." How true....and I marvel at the woman who is making the effort to save at least 80K in a year.

Her final words of wisdom that set me thinking:
Life must be lived from the perspective of the deathbed; not of a scoreboard"..we are so used to the pursuit of numbers and academic excellence...but does it really matter?

A year older...a year wiser...a foot in the grave?
I must really thank all the lovely people out there who sent me the birthday wishes...and the few who actually made me shed tears with what they wrote. At least I know....I have touched quite a few lives...and if I do go...I would at least left a small mark on them.

According to Dr Low's definition of ageing...I am now almost reaching Thurdsay morning...maybe the Malay equivalent would be...dah nak masuk maghrib...

The things I have learnt these few days have in some ways made me wiser...and being able to appreciate more of the things I have...the people who love and care about me...That is what life should be all about..

So though it has been a quiet birthday...I am grateful that it was a meaningful one...

So thank you....my hubby, my children, my special kids, my friends...thank you for reaffirming my belief in what I want of life...to touch you as much as you touch me...and to continue doing so.

Lesson learnt: I want to go...and leave my prints in someone's heart

Crabby Tales

2005-01-18T03:06:00.000-08:00

Two interesting things happened over the past few days and though they are two separate incidents...I cannot help but think of crabs.

Crab Tale 1
On Sunday, I went to the market at Tampines St 34 while waiting for Zarifah and Akmal to come back from religous class. Saw those enticing looking crabs, and knew that the children love them...ketam masak lemak...I have always been clumsy, so I took precautions when I picked out the more delectable ones...( one tip....you must make sure they feel heavy..cos big ones do not necessarily mean they have lots of meat).
Anyway, bought 7 of those creatures...(flower crabs...so they are already dead) and happily walked along...I know the plastic bumped against my leg and one of those pinchers hit me on the leg. I felt the prick...but it was not so painful.

So imagine my surprise when I felt something warm trickling down my leg...looked down and saw my the bottom half of the pants sticking to the leg, and a pool of blood forming at my slippers. Good grief....what happened?

I guessed I must have alarmed some passersby who saw the incredulous look on my face....looking at all that blood. Couldn't lift my pants...so quickly went to the car park. Ah...found the source....the wound was so small...but those darn crabs had punctured an artery...no wonder blood was spurting all over the place. Dad was alarmed by the sight of the swelling around the wound...cos it was beginning to turn blueblack within minutes...(did wonder for a while if a person could actually die from loss of blood this way...can imagine the headlines.."Crab kills Woman"

But I survived...though the swelling has gone down...the incident is more laughable than painful. I'll chalk it up to one of those experiences I cannot fathom.( I got my 'revenge'...those creatures were yummy!)

Crabby Tale 2
Crabs can prick...so can humans when they are in a 'crabby mood'...and I think the emotional scars will have an indelible mark on others. Last Friday, the kids drove me nuts with their endless chatter and squabbles...My tolerance for noise has gone down so much lately, and the slightest unproductive sounds can be jarring and irritate the toots of me. I believe that words have more power than physical punishment.

I got Zarifah and Akmal to each get a plastic bag, and put 5 peices of clothing in them...I told them that if they could not stand each other, or get along, then it was high time that they find somewhere else to live. So the poor things...petrified by this witch...went sobbing outside and sat in the garden...the funny part was that they were still arguing about whose fault it was.

I left them there for about 15 minutes before I called them in...They had the answer ...I asked for the 3 rules of the house...so Akmal said, "Look after myself....2. Look after each other....3..."I promise to look after you Mama.." The dam broke ....this mother crab can't even teach her own kids to walk straight...and that child is teaching me a thing or two about unconditional love....(rule number 3 :Look after the family's good name)

Lesson learnt: No more crabs.

A student again

2005-01-17T03:04:00.000-08:00

Last Friday, I officially became a student again...and it felt good to be on the other side of the desk. Maybe it will be a little hard to get the brain to think out of the box, to absorb all the new knowledge out there, and scurrying around to get all those reading done...but, I have never felt happier.

The new style of the course...learn by experience...I guess that is why they have thrown us into the deep end of the pool...no more will they tell you what to do...just what they expect to be done. Shock number 1...but lesson learn...."I am capable of organising."

Service learning....to learn to serve...that's the new teacher's role...The overseas attachment to civilised places like Australia and New Zealand seem exciting, but I don't think I am prepared to take it to Laos and Nepal...but am I doing the right thing? What about my own children who need me? Have I sacrificed them ?

Sometimes I wonder if I am doing the right thing...whether I am cut out for this job...I never dreamed of ending up in management. Yes, I am a team player...but as a leader, especially a decisive one, I think I stink at this job. I don't have the guts, nor the charisma.

Maybe I am my own greatest challenge...I keep telling the kids :" I can & I will"...and yet, in truth, there are times when I myself run away from problems with "I can't..therefore I won't"

I must meet the new challenges head on...I have to....I must...
I will continue my lifelong learning journey...and being a student is the first step.

Few things to remember:
a) Belief in myself
b) Never sell myself short
c) Do not let others' efficiency intimidate what I can do

And I am grateful that I have the help and encouragement of my family , and my students who push me on...Hey guys....if I make this through...it is partly because of all of you.

"Dear God, give me strength to face each day. Give me courage to overcome obstacles.Enlighten my heart and soul.Open my mind to learn new things so that as your humble servant, I will be able to do good with it." Ameen.